A Sleever's worst nightmare

I had something funny but not so funny happen this weekend. You see, Coach and I do not have a lot of friends who live in the area any more. So most evenings are spent with the two of us and a movie. I have been wanting to get together with one of his friends and his girlfriend for a while, thinking that it would be fun to do a double date. So they called us to go to dinner and the Casino on Friday night with the two of them and some other friends of Coaches. I jumped at this opportunity for us to go out and to hopefully help Coach reconnect with some buddies. They said they wanted to have dinner at the Casino. Guess what they picked, Every Sleever’s nightmare, THE BUFFET!!!!

I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, that I would just have more options to choose from and in some ways it could be great because I could just have a tiny bite of anything I was interested in. Well It wasn’t that easy. First I walked through trying to decide what I wanted to eat and I found that very little appealed to me. All my fellow sleevers know that when you are not hungry you just aren’t hungry. I almost got some rice but luckily remembered that I shouldn’t have that before I put any on my plate. I thought about pasta but I knew I needed more protein then that. So after much wondering I finally managed to fill my plate with a little bit of different things. But when I got back to the table I discovered that Coaches friends really took their buffet seriously. They had soup and salad piled high on their plates and that was just their first course. Even the other girlfriend in the group ended up going back two more times to fill her plate. The guys (except Coach) each went a total of four times, not counting dessert.

I picked at my food. It was ok but not the best and I kept feeling like I couldn’t get servings of some things because they were too big and I didn’t want to waste food. I didn’t really even eat enough when the problem should have been eating too much. I finally gave up on dinner and went to get dessert (while everyone else was only on their second plate of food). My eyes were bigger then my stomach at the dessert table. I got three small desserts and took them back to the table. I ate a little of the first one (Gelato), then let the other two sit in front of me while the others ate. Once and awhile I took a small bite from one of the other two and I got Coach to have some too. I still probably didn’t even eat a whole dessert but it was better than just watching everyone else eat. And the worst part, was that Coach paid 28 DOLLARS for my meal! I mean the two of us together probably ate as much as one of the other people we were with. I honestly wish we could have just shared a plate. I didn’t think that the buffet people would buy that idea though.

Coach’s friends did notice my weight loss and said something to him about it. They don’t know about my sleeve of course, but the last time I saw them was the weekend after surgery and that was 34lbs ago. So it’s nice to know that people see a difference. It was kinda funny because usually Coach gets upset about spending money on meals that I only eat part of (even if I take home the leftovers) but this time he wasn’t bothered at all. I was really glad about that and I bought all his drinks at the Casino after to make up for it. And I bought Lunch the next day because I still felt bad. I really appreciated him not saying anything and I think he understood that it was a little awkward for me. Honestly it might have been for him too. He is a health conscious guy and isn’t one to go overboard like the rest. He had two plates of food and a few bites of my desserts. That was it. So he probably felt a little weird himself being one of only two people who weren’t putting on the feed bag. But we still had a good time. I enjoyed spending time with his friends, I like them a lot. And I had fun gambling, even if I did lose 60$. I kinda laugh at the whole thing now picturing a sleever at a buffet. If the others only knew. They were probably really confused. LOL. Oh well!

I have realized I have to get my butt moving more. I didn’t make it to the gym at all this week because stuff kept popping up and I only lost two pounds this week. Before I went on vacation I was steadily losing three pounds a week. While I was away I only lost two which I wasn’t disappointed about. But this week I only lost two again and I can’t have that keep up. If I am going to lose everything in six months like my doctor said I need to keep the three pound a week thing going. I also have to be better about my protein. Being away for a week messed up that good habit too. I find I lose weight better when I do get in all my protein. I will have to make sure to work that in. I was supposed to be down by 56lbs by my next doctor’s appointment and I won’t make it if I keep up this two poinds a week thing. I’m down 44lbs now so I may not make it at all. I have three weeks until my appointment. So time to rev my engine and get this body moving!!!

Lies of Omission

Yesterday’s tiger’s game was a bit of a disappointment. I got there and had lunch with my coworkers. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t feel like I had eaten too much or was full but after my first bite I felt a little sick. I ate 3/4th of my hotdog, trying to go slow and chew well. I waited and my stomach was not happy. I started picturing myself running to a garbage can, knocking the top off and throwing up. That was the last thing I wanted to do surrounded by all of my coworkers. So I went to the bathroom and managed to get there before my hotdog came back up.


Usually after an incident like that my stomach feels much better. That wasn’t the case this time. I felt off the rest of the day. Everyone was going to get some of those big frozen daiquiris and I decided to get one too. I figured that the cool slushy would help my tiny tummy and that the little alcohol in it would make me feel a little more jolly. Then I wouldn’t be the odd ball out not drinking either. Another poor plan. For some reason the daiquiris’ were really thick and syrupy so it tasted too sweet and I had trouble drinking it. I drank maybe half a cup worth in an hour and then it was so melted I had no interest. I still felt low energy. The game was going slow and boring. Zero to Zero in the fifth inning. I left with some people and went to the after party early because it was in an air conditioned bar. My mood never improved though so I ended up leaving at 4:00. I couldn’t even take advantage of the open bar! Since it was on my company’s tab I really wanted to. Ahh well. I guess those are the breaks when adjusting to the sleeve.



I did have a little bit of a problem the other day too. I went to see my friend Diva. I’ve mentioned her before. She is a friend from high school who also struggles with her weight a lot. I know she would be appalled by me having surgery and would think it was way too extreme. She had lost a lot of weight but she recently gained it all back and she isn’t very happy about it. She also has no money. She works a part time minimum wage job and doesn’t make wise choices. So she often can’t afford to eat healthy. We went out to dinner and that ended up being a problem. Last time we saw each other I had managed to have her not notice how little I was eating but this time she was expecting to eat as we always have. She ordered our favorite appetizer and then look surprised when I ordered a half order of my favorite salad. She knows I’ve lost weight but I have only told her that I was dieting. She couldn’t believe that it would be enough food for me. So to try and explain it I told a somewhat elaborate story that was partially true. I am eating an 800 calorie diet. I am working with my doctor to keep me healthy and not deprive me of nutrition. I do have a very small appetite now. I just left out the part about surgery.

I know she would react badly to the news and give me a hard time about it. That is why I decided not to tell her in the first place. Also since I know she couldn’t afford the surgery herself and her insurance is not very good I know she would see it like I can afford to make myself skinny because my family has money. I knew that would just make her feel worse. But I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be not to tell her. I mean it hasn’t been hard with my family or my co-workers. I the people I eat around the most know. Every one else I can bluff well enough that they don’t notice or question. But this was tougher. I had a few bites of the appetizer. But that filled me up more than I expected so when my salad came I really couldn’t eat much. We both talk a lot so it was easy to move the food around my plate and talk but still it wasn’t quite slow enough for me to eat. And some times salad feels like it is bringing little air bubbles into my tiny tummy with the veggies. Tonight was one of those times which makes it harder to eat. I had to stop after probably 1/3 of a cup eaten so there was still a lot to take home. I just felt awkward and a little guilty for not telling Diva the truth. I tried not to lie but I definitely lied by omission and I definitely embellished the truth. It puts you in an awkward position. Has anyone else had this happen?

Vacation Recap

Hello friends,




I know it’s been a while but I haven’t had a ton to say. My vacation was a lot of fun. I had a great time with Coach and his family. I definitely felt more comfortable in a bathing suit this year and I even found out one of my suits is now too big. Unfortunately it was too big in the boobs. I didn’t think I’d lost weight there really but I must have. I did have a mishap with the jet ski that I have not last year. It kind of surprised me because you would think that being 40lbs heavier last year would have caused this. I got a burn on the inside of my thighs from bouncing back and forth on the jet ski. Embarrassing and painful! So I had to buy a pair of Men’s swim trunks to wear on the jet ski to protect my poor legs.

I wasn’t so good about my diet while I was away. It was hard because they had a lot of snacks out and someone was always munching on something. So I occasionally found myself grazing on pretzels or cheese. I also felt like I ate bigger meals then I usually do. I don’t think I actually did because if you think about it I still only ate half a chicken breast but it felt like more for some reason. I did also have ice cream. Twice! The real stuff too, not the lowfat yogurt. But each time I could only eat half a scoop so really that wasn’t too bad. I did keep track of my calories and I was close to my 800 but I did go over a bit. I still lost two pounds that week so I couldn’t have been too bad. I was worried though. I was afraid to hop on the scale after I got back. I would have been heartbroken if I had gained weight.

I did also learn one more lesson. The dietitian told me that high fiber veggies would be hard to digest for a while. I love asparagus and we had it with dinner the first night I was away. I decided a little bit couldn’t hurt. So I had two pieces. I was wrong. Right after dinner I ended up throwing everything back up thanks to that high fiber asparagus. So I will still have to be careful of those veggies for a while. Now I have to try to get back into good habits now that I’m home.



Today will be interesting. My entire company is going to the tiger’s game this afternoon. We are walking distance from the stadium and will have a picnic lunch there. Last time I had something like this with work I was able to avoid eating but this time I won’t be able to. So we will have to see what happens. I think I will be ok though. I’ve been able to bluff the whole eating thing pretty well so far. Well I need to try to get some work done before the game. Have a good day everyone and I will write again soon!

Look! It's a beached Whale!

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen!

You won’t hear from me for the next week or so because I’m going on vacation. I’ll be out of town and away from an internet connection for a whole week. I am so looking forward to the break! I need it! But vacationing brings up a whole new set of issues for my new tiny tummy. I have realized that I won’t be able to weight myself for a week. While I wish I could, it might be a good thing to take a break and then I will hopefully be extra happy when I get back. But it does bring up the issue of clothes. We’ll be at the beach. At this point my body is still not bathing suit worthy. Hell, my body hasn’t been bathing suit worthy since shortly after puberty. But right now I definitely do not want anyone seeing me in a bathing suit. Unfortunately I will be at the beach so if I want to swim, I have to wear a suit. The worst is my legs and butt. I carry all my weight in the lower half of my body and right now they look especially bad because my skin isn’t adjusting as quickly as the rest of me is. My doctor said that overall she didn’t think that the weight-loss would leave me with a ton of extra skin on my legs but right now they are in a weird faze are not attractive. Now my boyfriend has seen me in a suit but it’s still a little different in the glaring light of day on the beach to be seen by people.

Also there is the problem of appropriate beach attire in general. I can’t wear shorts right now. My legs look so unattractive plus they just don’t fit. I don’t have any that I can wear and I wasn’t about to go buy some just for a week of wear, so I am probably going to be hot. I am bringing my wide leg capri’s but they are not very flattering. They look much better then they did 39 pounds ago but still they are lounging pants, not wear around pants and that is what I am doing with them. It’s the only way to stay cool. Another problem is that since this will probably be my only time outside this summer I’d like to get a bit of a tan. But there is no way I am going to lay out in a bathing suit! Hell No! Someone will think a new breed of freshwater whale washed up on the shore!

Next comes the issue of what do I eat? I can’t take my protein drinks with me because they will take up a ton of room in the fridge and because they will get all gross and clumpy in the hot car on the long drive. So I probably won’t get enough protein in all week. For the most part , now I can eat just about anything. There are a few things I try to stay away from though and that will be harder on vacation. I know we’ll end up buying sandwich stuff for lunches and I have trouble with regular breads. I also don’t know what kind of food we will have for breakfasts. I feel awkward because we are going away with Coaches family and I hate to ask them to buy special stuff just for me. I feel bad enough that they pay for all my meals while we are away and they cook for me. It feels like an imposition to ask them to buy special bread for my sandwiches and stuff like that. But then I know they will think it’s weird if I bring my own stuff up with me.



Another issue is the awkwardness of Coaches family trying to cater to my needs. I feel weird when his mom asks what I can and can’t eat and fusses over making sure I’ll like the food and that she buys the right thing. I just feel bad. She gets embarrassed that she is giving me the wrong thing. Like at a family BBQ a few weeks ago she offered me wine and then got embarrassed and asked if I can have it. I just feel bad and like I’m putting them out. I know they will try to plan around my needs and I hate for them to make special arrangements for me. I also feel bad because I know we will go out to eat a lot and I will only be able to eat small amounts. That is the one thing that Coach has not been so good about with all this. He is very thrifty and hates waste so he gets upset when we go out to eat and I end up taking most of my meal home. I eat the leftovers. I turn one meal into three. But he still thinks it’s a waste of money to go out when I can only eat about a fourth of what is on my plate. I try to order things with smaller portions but that doesn’t always work out. I have tried paying for myself but I know Coaches parents will never let me so I’ll feel bad about it. This is the third or fourth time we have gone on this vacation and every time I try to at least buy them dinner once and they never let me.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I should just appreciate their hospitality and not worry about it but I do. I’m not a mouch. I don’t take things or people for granted and I don’t expect to be taken care of. So I feel awkward. I feel bad sometimes when my family spends money on me. I don’t know why. I love spending money on other people and will look for any excuse to buy a present or treat someone to a meal. But I have a hard time accepting that back. I know that if his family is fussing over trying to make me comfortable I should just relax and tell them what I need but I still feel like I am being high maintenance or something. It’s all just an awkward mess.

I am still so looking forward to the trip! I really love Coaches family and I need the break from work. I enjoy getting to spend a whole week straight with him. I have fun with him and his family and it will be a great vacation. There are just lots of weird details.

Scars

So it's been about three months and my scars are still very visable. The smallest ones can't be felt anymore but they can still be seen. I really wish they would fade already. I don't know how long it took for other people to heal but I'm starting to worry that they will forever be a scarlet letter on my tummy saying "I had surgery"

Here are the pics of what they look like now. They were taken with my cell phone so they aren't the best

my puncture

My side

my belly button

If anyone can advise me on this Please Please comment!

The Clothing Wars

64 Days post-op


-35lbs, -1inch neck, -4inches hips, -4 inches waist



Last Saturday I went to my two month appointment with my surgeon to check my progress. I had set a goal for myself to have lost by that date and I did it! My surgeon had told me that I could lose all the weight that I want to lose in six months which comes out to about three pounds a week so that has been my goal. Sometimes I’ll only drop one or two pounds in a week but the next week I usually drop more to make up for it. So I met the goal I had set and my doctor was very happy with me. He told me it is just a matter of burning off the fat I have stored and that if I increase my work out a bit I will lose even faster.

So of course, after all that positive my weight loss has stalled this week. I haven’t dropped an ounce which is frustrating. I’ve been picking apart everything I eat to try to stay under my 800 calories but it seems like the harder I try the worse I seem to do. I don’t know why that is. But it seems like if I think about it less I actually consume less. Strange how that works. I need to figure something out though. I know stalls are normal and that they happen to everyone but I am so close to fitting into a size smaller pants I am just desperate to drop. I tried on a ton of clothes this week and found a bunch that fit me again. Along with some that are just on the edge of fitting again. So I moved those to the front of my closet. I have an awesome huge walking closet where I rotate my clothes so that the current season is in the front and I keep it very organized according to clothing type, now I’m having to add size in there. But it’s good. I’ve started a box for things I have shrunk out of. There are only three things in it right now but it’s a start.

I really don’t understand clothes though. I think that clothing designers purposely try to drive the public crazy. It’s a conspiracy. I had four pairs of pants from two different stores (3 from one and one from another) they were all the same size. Two of them where so big that if you gave them a tug they would have fallen off me. The other two were just tight enough that they didn’t want to button. I don’t get how that is possible. Plus, I had a huge discount at a clothes store so I ordered some skinny clothes to help me stay motivated. As I was hanging them up I was amazed how much smaller a 10 now looks compared to the 10 I bought back when I was a 10. I hope I make it into those pants or I’ll be mad, even if they were dirt cheap. I think it’s all a big conspiracy to keep big girls from feeling good about themselves. Even if you loose the weight you won’t fit back into that ideal size in your head because they make that size much smaller now. So you might as well eat the cake. Well not me. I’m going to push myself and find the time to add in more of a workout and kick my butt until it melts off! Size 10 here I come! And the same goes for 8 and maybe even 6! Six months from now I will be where I want to be! You won’t even recognize me!

What is "Diet Food"?

The other day I was so excited because I managed to eat a small portion of a chicken caesar salad wrap for lunch. I felt like I am getting closer to being able to eat normal food. I was so excited and I told Mummy-Dearest about this. She replied a little snottily “That’s not diet food” So here is my question, What is “Diet Food”? I mean I don’t understand what is required to label something as “Diet Food”? I look at my little bit of wrap. It had a soft tortilla as the wrap (of which I ate less than a forth of the whole tortilla), chicken (which I ate about three ounces of), chopped lettuce (maybe a fourth of a cup eaten), and some caesar salad dressing (which I probably consumed about a tablespoon at the most). The whole thing came out to under 250 calories because I ate so little of it. So what in that is so bad for you. I mean of course salad dressing isn’t great but we have so little of it that it really isn’t that bad. I was being generous by saying 1 tablespoon. It was probably less. A wrap Is usually preferable to other types of bread because there are fewer calories and carbs. Lettuce isn’t bad for you and neither is grilled chicken. So what is wrong with having that for lunch?


I really don’t get it. Who is it that gets to label some things as “Diet Food” and other things as not “Diet Food” I mean really, what guidelines are they using? Does it go by fat content or calories? Are we all supposed to eat flavorless boiled chicken? Or wait, fish is probably even healthier then chicken. Must we eat all veggies plain and stay away from any that maybe a little higher in the fat or calories such as avocado? Should we just cut out Fruit and breads all together because of high sugar and carb content? I just don’t get it. I mean if you are smart and watch portions it shouldn’t really matter. Should I be in trouble because the other night I had one bite of cake. Why shouldn’t I? I mean I watch my calories and nutrition. I am following the rules my doctor gave me. So what is wrong with tasting the dessert? I didn’t eat the rest of it. I didn’t really feel a need to eat it. But I thought that having a taste would be nice. So I had one bite, satisfied my sweet tooth (that makes very little demands on me now) and felt satisfied because I wasn’t depriving myself. What is so wrong with that???

I really want to know if my lunch that day was so wrong and what was so wrong about it? I mean what should I have eaten instead? If you look hard enough you can find something wrong with EVERYTHING! Do you know how many bad things I passed up for that healthy wrap? At my work we have a food court with McDonalds, Burger King, a Mexican place, I walked past pizza and sandwiches made with big thick breads (not that my stomach would really accept most of that right now, but you see my point). So really What is so wrong with my chicken wrap? Is there some list out there of “Diet Foods” and non “Diet Foods”? If so I need a copy. Cause apparently following my doctors guidelines is not cutting it and I’m doing it wrong!



Jumping down off my soap box now. Bowing. Rant officially over. Thank you