Good Afternoon!
Until now I have been hesitant to use this blog as a forum for my general thoughts and feelings not related to my sleeve. I have shared this blog with my boyfriend, my cousin Red, and my best friend Sweets. So I figured that just in case one of them read something I posted and misinterpreted it, or if I wanted to write about one of them I would keep this strictly sleeve related. But as far as I know, they have pretty much stopped checking out this blog as I have adjusted to my sleeve. So maybe it would be ok to use this site to vent some of my general thoughts and feelings. I’m not talking about bitching here. I’m talking about musings that I have in passing that I may never think to discuss out loud, or that maybe are too abstract to discuss. I don’t know. Just my thoughts I guess. I won’t even charge you readers a penny for them. And if any of you would like to give feedback I’d be more then happy get to get it. So here we go, Sorry, it’s gonna be a non sleeve related post.
Is there such a thing as being too forgiving or too accepting? I mean where do you draw the line between that and being a doormat. What if someone isn’t exactly wiping their metaphorical feet on you, but they are still a little off? If it doesn’t bother you in the big picture how much of a stink do you make about it? My experience is with Coach, my boyfriend. The big man has hissy fits occasionally. I mean fits like a twelve year old girl with screaming and door slamming and everything. Now I will say that this is a very rare occurrence. They are also never directed at me. I would not stand for that. These boots would be walking my ass right out of there if that was the case.
Usually when this comes up I forcefully tell him to knock it off and he settles a bit and starts talking more calmly and rationally and eventually calms down. But last night it was not happening. He wasn’t even listening to me. He starting have his fit outside and I could hear him in the house. He was yelling about our broken back door and started screaming and slamming it over and over. He was actually stomping his feet! I tried to get his attention but nothing worked. So I decided that I was not going to indulge that behavior by trying to calm him down or discussing it. I just ignored him. He even threw some stuff. I did not speak to him until he was rational and calm. He just railed at the door for a bit and finally came inside and told me what he planned to fix it. I told him that was fine and offered ways I could help the situation. Then I told him he needed to control his temper and he started making jokes.
When these outbursts happen he always gets very upset with himself afterwards. He apologized to me, which I pretty much ignored since he wasn’t yelling at me. But sometimes he does do this to his parents or in front of his parents and afterwards he always get ups upset and calls himself a bastard and apologizes. I always tell him that he needs to learn to control himself because this is what always happens. That he ends up ashamed of himself. Again I would like to say that these are a rare occurrence. Like once every one or two months. But still they seem very childish and immature to me. They aren’t productive and are just a little ridiculous for an adult man.
So here is my concern, should I be more bothered by this? I mean when he does it, it pisses me off and I tell him so. But other then that I don’t really think about it or care. I mean is this a big deal or just the type of thing that is a stupid annoyance. Am I being too forgiving by letting it go after “I’m sorry”? I don’t like the behavior and I try to discourage it when it happens. But since it doesn’t happen every time he gets mad and he never directs it at me, is being forgiving and accepting a bad thing? Is it ok for me to say that this is just something he needs to grow out of and encourage him to cultivate the tools to do that? I don’t know. I don’t think it’s bad. But I know other people would not feel the same way. Some people would maybe even think it’s a deal breaker. So what do I do with this? Am I wrong here?
If you have made it this far I would like to thank you for reading my musings.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Who is that Chick in the Mirror?
Who is that Chick in the mirror?
I’ve found myself asking that more and more lately. It’s kinda funny to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself right away. I guess it means that due to my weight loss my mental image hasn’t caught up to the image that gets reflected back to me.
I first experienced this a few weeks ago. My cousin had her first communion and her mom (Red) took pictures of her with everyone at the party. Then she sent them to us with a thank you card. When I got the card, I didn’t recognize myself in the picture. I actually spent a few seconds wondering who that was with my cousin. It was a little shocking to realize that it was me. My face just didn’t look the same. It wasn’t what I expected. Next I started experiencing this at work. I would walk past a mirror or something reflective and I would think, “who is that professional looking woman?” and then I would realize it was me. I would see myself and think that “that woman has long legs” and then realize those were my legs. I don’t have long legs. Infact I have short and chunky legs, that’s where all my weight goes. But now, I can wear clothes that give me an illusion of having long legs. I never could do that before. I keep having these experiences where it takes a moment before I recognize myself. It’s a very weird feeling. I wonder how long it will take before my mental image catches up to my physical image? It makes me wonder what will happen when I reach my goal. Because even now, 80 lbs later, I still feel like the fat girl. I still feel fat running right to my thighs when I indulge in something. I still feel huge defeat if I haven’t lost any weight, or (Heaven forbid!) I gain a pound (which is probably water anyway). I’ll post some pictures later to demonstrate what I expect to see in the mirror and what I actually see. Thanks for reading!
December 2009
January 2011
I’ve found myself asking that more and more lately. It’s kinda funny to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself right away. I guess it means that due to my weight loss my mental image hasn’t caught up to the image that gets reflected back to me.
I first experienced this a few weeks ago. My cousin had her first communion and her mom (Red) took pictures of her with everyone at the party. Then she sent them to us with a thank you card. When I got the card, I didn’t recognize myself in the picture. I actually spent a few seconds wondering who that was with my cousin. It was a little shocking to realize that it was me. My face just didn’t look the same. It wasn’t what I expected. Next I started experiencing this at work. I would walk past a mirror or something reflective and I would think, “who is that professional looking woman?” and then I would realize it was me. I would see myself and think that “that woman has long legs” and then realize those were my legs. I don’t have long legs. Infact I have short and chunky legs, that’s where all my weight goes. But now, I can wear clothes that give me an illusion of having long legs. I never could do that before. I keep having these experiences where it takes a moment before I recognize myself. It’s a very weird feeling. I wonder how long it will take before my mental image catches up to my physical image? It makes me wonder what will happen when I reach my goal. Because even now, 80 lbs later, I still feel like the fat girl. I still feel fat running right to my thighs when I indulge in something. I still feel huge defeat if I haven’t lost any weight, or (Heaven forbid!) I gain a pound (which is probably water anyway). I’ll post some pictures later to demonstrate what I expect to see in the mirror and what I actually see. Thanks for reading!
December 2009
January 2011Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wierdness
Good Morning Readers!
I hope you are all doing well. So apparently my new work responsibilities are making me drop my blogging time to once a month. Bummer. I’ll work on it. So I have been to my doctor and he was so happy with my weight loss he told me I could stop if I wanted. I said hell no! I’m goin’ for the gold, another 20-30 lbs. He was happy to hear it. He did warn me that once I had the 100lb gone mark things will get tougher. I’ll worry about that when I come to it. I also went to see the GI specialist. He said that my high copper may just be a variation on normal. My body might just work that way. The numbers are only a little high, not crazy high. So he ordered more blood tests and if they all come back normal then my body just has more copper then most. Good to know.
So my scale has suddenly decided that it wants to drop numbers every time I step on it. Usually I go a few days with no change and then do a two or three pound drop. Lately, every time I step on I’m down at least half a pound. That’s awesome and encouraging. Even though this morning my jeans felt a little tight which is frustrating since I have dropped in weight since the last time I wore them. So they shouldn’t be tighter. I never did get to do that pouch test. I have had some meals that I had to eat with other people who I didn’t want to explain it to so I haven’t been able to find five consecutive days that I could do the test. I’m a little less worried though. I’ve had snacks in the afternoon which is unusual but I’m still losing and in fact, when I count my calories I am still under my 800 so I’m good. I have also found that I am eating less and less at dinner. My food choices in a day tend to be the same most days. This is what I eat
Breakfast: ½ a bagel with cream cheese or ¾ an instant low sugar oatmeal
Mid Morning: 1 cup of coffee
Lunch: Some kind of soup, 4-6 oz depending on the type
Snack: (lately my protein water has not been appealing so I haven’t had it) Sometimes I have chips and two table spoons of guacamole or a small pop
Dinner: ½ a chicken breast at most, a few bites of salad and a small amount of green veggie (usually asparagus since it’s my fave)
It really doesn’t end up being much calorie wise. So I’m usually good. I have had a few weird experiences lately. First, the other night I made baked chicken for dinner with some yummy cheesy potatoes. Now potatoes are supposed to be an easy food for us to eat. I don’t know what happened but my tiny tummy rebelled against this meal. I had maybe two tablespoons of potatoes and ¼ of a chicken breast and I had that choking throat feeling where it feels like your food is backed up into your throat. I thought maybe I ate too fast and went to lie down. A few minutes later I was doing a sprint to the toilet to get rid of the little bit in my belly. The Tiny Tummy said “No Admittance” What was up with that???
Another weird experience: Yesterday I was feeling good in the morning. I had my usual breakfast and was fine. I decided to go to lunch early because I had a full afternoon and as I was walking to the deli to get my soup I suddenly started to get woozy. I felt disorientated and hot. I started shaking and feeling sick. By the time I got my soup I had to sit down before I fell down. It was like my blood sugar did a sudden sky dive and dropped like a stone. I felt horrible. I could barely hold my spoon to eat I was shaking so badly. I ate all of my soup, which was 8 oz. Then I got a pop and slowly sipped it. I sat at a table, dying to put my head in my lap, until I felt like I could walk back to my desk. I felt a little better and the shaking went away but it was still weird and not right. I sipped on the pop until around 3 o’clock when I decided to try eating again. Maybe more food would help. I went to the Mexican place and got a beef quesadilla (I can only eat ¼ of one) and some chips and guac. I ate the quesadilla and felt much better. I took my chips upstairs to munch on and shortly was feeling normal again. It was very strange. I usually can’t eat that much. And I don’t know what caused it. It was weird and a little scary.
I have been hitting the gym three days a week but I haven’t been pushing as hard as I should. I know I need to do a little more. At this point I have a little bit of a muffin top that I know will get better with more working out. I’m not so sure about my legs. They have always been chunky and where most of my weight likes to reside. They are starting to look kinda gross. I can tell I have a good amount of extra skin on them. My doctor had thought that extra skin there wouldn’t be a problem but it is not bouncing back like she had thought. I am starting to worry about it. Has this happened to anyone else? Let me know. In the mean time, love to you all and I will post again soon!
I hope you are all doing well. So apparently my new work responsibilities are making me drop my blogging time to once a month. Bummer. I’ll work on it. So I have been to my doctor and he was so happy with my weight loss he told me I could stop if I wanted. I said hell no! I’m goin’ for the gold, another 20-30 lbs. He was happy to hear it. He did warn me that once I had the 100lb gone mark things will get tougher. I’ll worry about that when I come to it. I also went to see the GI specialist. He said that my high copper may just be a variation on normal. My body might just work that way. The numbers are only a little high, not crazy high. So he ordered more blood tests and if they all come back normal then my body just has more copper then most. Good to know.
So my scale has suddenly decided that it wants to drop numbers every time I step on it. Usually I go a few days with no change and then do a two or three pound drop. Lately, every time I step on I’m down at least half a pound. That’s awesome and encouraging. Even though this morning my jeans felt a little tight which is frustrating since I have dropped in weight since the last time I wore them. So they shouldn’t be tighter. I never did get to do that pouch test. I have had some meals that I had to eat with other people who I didn’t want to explain it to so I haven’t been able to find five consecutive days that I could do the test. I’m a little less worried though. I’ve had snacks in the afternoon which is unusual but I’m still losing and in fact, when I count my calories I am still under my 800 so I’m good. I have also found that I am eating less and less at dinner. My food choices in a day tend to be the same most days. This is what I eat
Breakfast: ½ a bagel with cream cheese or ¾ an instant low sugar oatmeal
Mid Morning: 1 cup of coffee
Lunch: Some kind of soup, 4-6 oz depending on the type
Snack: (lately my protein water has not been appealing so I haven’t had it) Sometimes I have chips and two table spoons of guacamole or a small pop
Dinner: ½ a chicken breast at most, a few bites of salad and a small amount of green veggie (usually asparagus since it’s my fave)
It really doesn’t end up being much calorie wise. So I’m usually good. I have had a few weird experiences lately. First, the other night I made baked chicken for dinner with some yummy cheesy potatoes. Now potatoes are supposed to be an easy food for us to eat. I don’t know what happened but my tiny tummy rebelled against this meal. I had maybe two tablespoons of potatoes and ¼ of a chicken breast and I had that choking throat feeling where it feels like your food is backed up into your throat. I thought maybe I ate too fast and went to lie down. A few minutes later I was doing a sprint to the toilet to get rid of the little bit in my belly. The Tiny Tummy said “No Admittance” What was up with that???
Another weird experience: Yesterday I was feeling good in the morning. I had my usual breakfast and was fine. I decided to go to lunch early because I had a full afternoon and as I was walking to the deli to get my soup I suddenly started to get woozy. I felt disorientated and hot. I started shaking and feeling sick. By the time I got my soup I had to sit down before I fell down. It was like my blood sugar did a sudden sky dive and dropped like a stone. I felt horrible. I could barely hold my spoon to eat I was shaking so badly. I ate all of my soup, which was 8 oz. Then I got a pop and slowly sipped it. I sat at a table, dying to put my head in my lap, until I felt like I could walk back to my desk. I felt a little better and the shaking went away but it was still weird and not right. I sipped on the pop until around 3 o’clock when I decided to try eating again. Maybe more food would help. I went to the Mexican place and got a beef quesadilla (I can only eat ¼ of one) and some chips and guac. I ate the quesadilla and felt much better. I took my chips upstairs to munch on and shortly was feeling normal again. It was very strange. I usually can’t eat that much. And I don’t know what caused it. It was weird and a little scary.
I have been hitting the gym three days a week but I haven’t been pushing as hard as I should. I know I need to do a little more. At this point I have a little bit of a muffin top that I know will get better with more working out. I’m not so sure about my legs. They have always been chunky and where most of my weight likes to reside. They are starting to look kinda gross. I can tell I have a good amount of extra skin on them. My doctor had thought that extra skin there wouldn’t be a problem but it is not bouncing back like she had thought. I am starting to worry about it. Has this happened to anyone else? Let me know. In the mean time, love to you all and I will post again soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
