Look! It's a beached Whale!

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen!

You won’t hear from me for the next week or so because I’m going on vacation. I’ll be out of town and away from an internet connection for a whole week. I am so looking forward to the break! I need it! But vacationing brings up a whole new set of issues for my new tiny tummy. I have realized that I won’t be able to weight myself for a week. While I wish I could, it might be a good thing to take a break and then I will hopefully be extra happy when I get back. But it does bring up the issue of clothes. We’ll be at the beach. At this point my body is still not bathing suit worthy. Hell, my body hasn’t been bathing suit worthy since shortly after puberty. But right now I definitely do not want anyone seeing me in a bathing suit. Unfortunately I will be at the beach so if I want to swim, I have to wear a suit. The worst is my legs and butt. I carry all my weight in the lower half of my body and right now they look especially bad because my skin isn’t adjusting as quickly as the rest of me is. My doctor said that overall she didn’t think that the weight-loss would leave me with a ton of extra skin on my legs but right now they are in a weird faze are not attractive. Now my boyfriend has seen me in a suit but it’s still a little different in the glaring light of day on the beach to be seen by people.

Also there is the problem of appropriate beach attire in general. I can’t wear shorts right now. My legs look so unattractive plus they just don’t fit. I don’t have any that I can wear and I wasn’t about to go buy some just for a week of wear, so I am probably going to be hot. I am bringing my wide leg capri’s but they are not very flattering. They look much better then they did 39 pounds ago but still they are lounging pants, not wear around pants and that is what I am doing with them. It’s the only way to stay cool. Another problem is that since this will probably be my only time outside this summer I’d like to get a bit of a tan. But there is no way I am going to lay out in a bathing suit! Hell No! Someone will think a new breed of freshwater whale washed up on the shore!

Next comes the issue of what do I eat? I can’t take my protein drinks with me because they will take up a ton of room in the fridge and because they will get all gross and clumpy in the hot car on the long drive. So I probably won’t get enough protein in all week. For the most part , now I can eat just about anything. There are a few things I try to stay away from though and that will be harder on vacation. I know we’ll end up buying sandwich stuff for lunches and I have trouble with regular breads. I also don’t know what kind of food we will have for breakfasts. I feel awkward because we are going away with Coaches family and I hate to ask them to buy special stuff just for me. I feel bad enough that they pay for all my meals while we are away and they cook for me. It feels like an imposition to ask them to buy special bread for my sandwiches and stuff like that. But then I know they will think it’s weird if I bring my own stuff up with me.



Another issue is the awkwardness of Coaches family trying to cater to my needs. I feel weird when his mom asks what I can and can’t eat and fusses over making sure I’ll like the food and that she buys the right thing. I just feel bad. She gets embarrassed that she is giving me the wrong thing. Like at a family BBQ a few weeks ago she offered me wine and then got embarrassed and asked if I can have it. I just feel bad and like I’m putting them out. I know they will try to plan around my needs and I hate for them to make special arrangements for me. I also feel bad because I know we will go out to eat a lot and I will only be able to eat small amounts. That is the one thing that Coach has not been so good about with all this. He is very thrifty and hates waste so he gets upset when we go out to eat and I end up taking most of my meal home. I eat the leftovers. I turn one meal into three. But he still thinks it’s a waste of money to go out when I can only eat about a fourth of what is on my plate. I try to order things with smaller portions but that doesn’t always work out. I have tried paying for myself but I know Coaches parents will never let me so I’ll feel bad about it. This is the third or fourth time we have gone on this vacation and every time I try to at least buy them dinner once and they never let me.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I should just appreciate their hospitality and not worry about it but I do. I’m not a mouch. I don’t take things or people for granted and I don’t expect to be taken care of. So I feel awkward. I feel bad sometimes when my family spends money on me. I don’t know why. I love spending money on other people and will look for any excuse to buy a present or treat someone to a meal. But I have a hard time accepting that back. I know that if his family is fussing over trying to make me comfortable I should just relax and tell them what I need but I still feel like I am being high maintenance or something. It’s all just an awkward mess.

I am still so looking forward to the trip! I really love Coaches family and I need the break from work. I enjoy getting to spend a whole week straight with him. I have fun with him and his family and it will be a great vacation. There are just lots of weird details.

Scars

So it's been about three months and my scars are still very visable. The smallest ones can't be felt anymore but they can still be seen. I really wish they would fade already. I don't know how long it took for other people to heal but I'm starting to worry that they will forever be a scarlet letter on my tummy saying "I had surgery"

Here are the pics of what they look like now. They were taken with my cell phone so they aren't the best

my puncture

My side

my belly button

If anyone can advise me on this Please Please comment!

The Clothing Wars

64 Days post-op


-35lbs, -1inch neck, -4inches hips, -4 inches waist



Last Saturday I went to my two month appointment with my surgeon to check my progress. I had set a goal for myself to have lost by that date and I did it! My surgeon had told me that I could lose all the weight that I want to lose in six months which comes out to about three pounds a week so that has been my goal. Sometimes I’ll only drop one or two pounds in a week but the next week I usually drop more to make up for it. So I met the goal I had set and my doctor was very happy with me. He told me it is just a matter of burning off the fat I have stored and that if I increase my work out a bit I will lose even faster.

So of course, after all that positive my weight loss has stalled this week. I haven’t dropped an ounce which is frustrating. I’ve been picking apart everything I eat to try to stay under my 800 calories but it seems like the harder I try the worse I seem to do. I don’t know why that is. But it seems like if I think about it less I actually consume less. Strange how that works. I need to figure something out though. I know stalls are normal and that they happen to everyone but I am so close to fitting into a size smaller pants I am just desperate to drop. I tried on a ton of clothes this week and found a bunch that fit me again. Along with some that are just on the edge of fitting again. So I moved those to the front of my closet. I have an awesome huge walking closet where I rotate my clothes so that the current season is in the front and I keep it very organized according to clothing type, now I’m having to add size in there. But it’s good. I’ve started a box for things I have shrunk out of. There are only three things in it right now but it’s a start.

I really don’t understand clothes though. I think that clothing designers purposely try to drive the public crazy. It’s a conspiracy. I had four pairs of pants from two different stores (3 from one and one from another) they were all the same size. Two of them where so big that if you gave them a tug they would have fallen off me. The other two were just tight enough that they didn’t want to button. I don’t get how that is possible. Plus, I had a huge discount at a clothes store so I ordered some skinny clothes to help me stay motivated. As I was hanging them up I was amazed how much smaller a 10 now looks compared to the 10 I bought back when I was a 10. I hope I make it into those pants or I’ll be mad, even if they were dirt cheap. I think it’s all a big conspiracy to keep big girls from feeling good about themselves. Even if you loose the weight you won’t fit back into that ideal size in your head because they make that size much smaller now. So you might as well eat the cake. Well not me. I’m going to push myself and find the time to add in more of a workout and kick my butt until it melts off! Size 10 here I come! And the same goes for 8 and maybe even 6! Six months from now I will be where I want to be! You won’t even recognize me!

What is "Diet Food"?

The other day I was so excited because I managed to eat a small portion of a chicken caesar salad wrap for lunch. I felt like I am getting closer to being able to eat normal food. I was so excited and I told Mummy-Dearest about this. She replied a little snottily “That’s not diet food” So here is my question, What is “Diet Food”? I mean I don’t understand what is required to label something as “Diet Food”? I look at my little bit of wrap. It had a soft tortilla as the wrap (of which I ate less than a forth of the whole tortilla), chicken (which I ate about three ounces of), chopped lettuce (maybe a fourth of a cup eaten), and some caesar salad dressing (which I probably consumed about a tablespoon at the most). The whole thing came out to under 250 calories because I ate so little of it. So what in that is so bad for you. I mean of course salad dressing isn’t great but we have so little of it that it really isn’t that bad. I was being generous by saying 1 tablespoon. It was probably less. A wrap Is usually preferable to other types of bread because there are fewer calories and carbs. Lettuce isn’t bad for you and neither is grilled chicken. So what is wrong with having that for lunch?


I really don’t get it. Who is it that gets to label some things as “Diet Food” and other things as not “Diet Food” I mean really, what guidelines are they using? Does it go by fat content or calories? Are we all supposed to eat flavorless boiled chicken? Or wait, fish is probably even healthier then chicken. Must we eat all veggies plain and stay away from any that maybe a little higher in the fat or calories such as avocado? Should we just cut out Fruit and breads all together because of high sugar and carb content? I just don’t get it. I mean if you are smart and watch portions it shouldn’t really matter. Should I be in trouble because the other night I had one bite of cake. Why shouldn’t I? I mean I watch my calories and nutrition. I am following the rules my doctor gave me. So what is wrong with tasting the dessert? I didn’t eat the rest of it. I didn’t really feel a need to eat it. But I thought that having a taste would be nice. So I had one bite, satisfied my sweet tooth (that makes very little demands on me now) and felt satisfied because I wasn’t depriving myself. What is so wrong with that???

I really want to know if my lunch that day was so wrong and what was so wrong about it? I mean what should I have eaten instead? If you look hard enough you can find something wrong with EVERYTHING! Do you know how many bad things I passed up for that healthy wrap? At my work we have a food court with McDonalds, Burger King, a Mexican place, I walked past pizza and sandwiches made with big thick breads (not that my stomach would really accept most of that right now, but you see my point). So really What is so wrong with my chicken wrap? Is there some list out there of “Diet Foods” and non “Diet Foods”? If so I need a copy. Cause apparently following my doctors guidelines is not cutting it and I’m doing it wrong!



Jumping down off my soap box now. Bowing. Rant officially over. Thank you

Sorry!!!!

Hey everyone!

Sorry I disappeared on you. My life has been a little crazy for the last week or two. My job went from having too little to do to having way too much to do. My social life went that way too. So I have had no time for anything. I haven't even been able to get in my daily work out which sucks. Things have just been too crazy. But I'm still here and I'm learning a lot of things. I unfortunately learned that if I take even one sip of water after eating I will throw up. It took two nights in a row of having my dinner revisit me before I figured out what the problem was but at least I figured it out. I have also learned tha when I am with a group of people it is a lot harder to eat slowly. You would think that with other people I could talk and slow myself down but that didn't happen.  I went to a graduation party and I was really looking forward to having a burger. I just wanted beef! But after two bites and a french fry I ended up feeling sick from eating too fast. I tried to wait for my stomach to settle but it didn't happen. So I didn't get to eat my bunless burger. I was so bummed.  I have also found that I have a weakness for frozen cokes. We aren't supposed to drink pop after surgery because of the carbination and the sugar. But Frozen cokes don't have carbination and I found out that there is actually less suger in them then a regular pop because you actually get less liquid in one of those cups then you would if you had pop in the same size cup. It's a treat I let myself have sometimes but still probably more often then I should. I did find out that 7/11 has a sugar free slurpe. I'll have to try that some time soon.  Anyway, that is all I have for now. I will have to write again soon. I'll try to get more time in a day or so. Meanwhile, Thanks for reading!