10 Days Post -Op

Sorry I haven't posted much the last few days, I just didn't feel like I had a lot to share. Let's see, what's new? Well I made it through the work week. I laid down in the back seat of my car during lunch hour but I made it through. Thursday morning I wasn't feeling so hot but I got better as the day went on and by the evening I was feeling like myself again. The dietitian called to check on me and gave me permission to add some tomato soup to my diet. It was so delicous! I am really getting sick of the boost and yogurt. I can't eat the yogurt any more. I just can't take it. I'm drinking my boost and some soup but that's it. I really wish I could add more soups to my diet. I am so sick of sweet stuff. I'd like some more savory stuff. My tummy  handled the tomato soup fine. There was some gurgling and gas but that's it. I didn't feel full but I just reached a point where I felt satisfied and like I didn't want anymore. I'm suprised because I expected to have more experiences where I felt sick from eating too much. But I am being really careful. I guess it's paying off since I haven't had any problems. My stomach doesn't hurt any more. I can lay on my stomach and my kitty can walk across me with out any trouble. My insicions itch though. I am still a little nervous about the belly button  one.

I am frustrated that it has been six days and I haven't lost anything. I expected stalls and everything but not right after surgery. I feel a little jilted because I didn't go through the surgery and that pain to not loose. It's a little nuts. I knew it would happen as my body adjusted but I really thought it would be a little longer after surgery. I lost 11 lbs before surgery and another 7 after. Then the scale said I gained a pound. Then it stayed stuck on the same weight ever since. I thought I'd at least have lost 20 before this started. I'm also bummed because I thought I could start working out again after week but apparently not. My doctor just said that he wanted me working out after a week. I have a gym membership and I do weights and cardio. I found out from my support group that I am supposed to wait six weeks to do weights. What a bummer. I'm disapointed. I'm going to call my doctor on tuesday to double check but It will probably be a few weeks before I get to do more than cardio.

I did go and get a 90 minute massage today. It was great! My back has been killing me since I got out of the hospital. The night they sent me home I didn't need the pain meds for my stomach but I almost took them for my back and neck. This really helped and invigorated me. I left the spa feeling great. It could very easily become addicting. I'll have to be careful because the last thing I need to do is go broke because of massages. I barely keep my Coach purse addiction under control I really don't need another one.

Well that's about it for now. I'll update you as things progress. Thanks for reading!

Six days Post Op

I’m back at work today. Sitting at my desk was much easier today then yesterday. I still do get uncomfortable but no pain. I almost didn’t come in today. I got up this morning and hit the snooze a few times because I was tired and then because I was scared of a repeat of yesterday. Finally I decided I would take a shower and get dressed and see how I felt then. I knew I would be late if I did go in but I figured that would be better than not going in at all. After my shower I did feel tired enough to lay down for a few minutes but I didn’t need to lay down between my makeup and my hair and I still felt pretty good after both of those. So I decided to give it a shot. I had less discomfort on my way to work and I really didn’t need to lay down after the drive but I did anyway (anything to help my chances of making it through the day). The morning went by pretty fast and at lunch I ran down to the car and laid down for ten minutes, again not because I had to but to prevent problems later. So far it seems to be working. My muscles are tired but at least there is no pain. I am tired actually. I had trouble falling asleep last night. I wish I could take a nap right now at my desk. But that’s not going to happen. So I’m figuring that I will probably leave a half hour or so early just because I’m so tired still.

Yesterday was my birthday and my mom was so upset that she couldn’t take me out to dinner. Coach took me to the store to get me a new pair of sketchers Easy Tone Flip Flops. We have tried a couple times but every time the selection is really bad. This was the worst yet because they only had one style and not in my size. So I left empty handed and Coach was upset that he didn’t have gift for me on my actual birthday. I really didn’t care but he did. So we went home and he ordered me two pairs online. I was pleasantly surprised. I thought it was really sweet of him to do that.

We also stopped by TCBY so I could have a little treat. I figured that if the yogurt was soothing to my tummy then frozen yogurt would be great. I got a small (7oz) coffee yogurt and ate a little more then half of it. I didn’t feel full but I felt satisfied and like I’d had enough. That is a new feeling for me. Usually I need to feel full to feel satisfied. It was interesting. I was listening to my body very carefully and I just got to a point where I felt like I didn’t need any more. So I stopped. If this is how I will feel all the time once I get to eat real food I will love it. So far I have been very careful about how much I eat because the last thing I want is to make myself sick or even just to feel sick. So I usually eat about four ounces and then wait an hour before my next four ounces. I’ve almost gotten to the point where I can get down the whole diet I am supposed to have. But I feel like I’m constantly eating/drinking. Especially since when I am not drinking my meals I am drinking water to stay hydrated. It amazes me though. I drink so much less water now because my stomach can’t hold it but I am still well hydrated.

My pain is gone for the most part. I have occasional aches but it’s mostly gone. I’m still having a little trouble brushing my teeth but I’m working on it. My belly button incision is still worrying me. It just freaks me out. I picture myself leaning forward and the thing busting open. I don’t know why. I’ve started wearing a bandage on it during the day just so I feel like it’s safer. I am wondering how long it actually takes my stomach to heal. I mean do I really need three weeks of the liquid diet or would two be enough. I don’t even want to speed everything up. I just want to add in some soups for a different flavor. I guess I’ll see how I feel when I reach week three. Also I wonder when I could go get a massage. I have been wanting one so badly. My back and neck aren’t sore anymore from the hospital but they still feel a little stiff and I would love to use my birthday money from my mom for a massage. That would be heavenly. But I’m not sure when that would be ok to do. Maybe I’ll call the doctor and ask. Hmmm. Well that’s all for now. I’m sure I have rambled enough for the last few days. As one of my friends does at the end of her e-mails I’ll leave you with this



-Hugs, Me

Day five post op

I tried to go back to work today. Apparently that wasn't such a good idea. When I got up and showered I got tired and needed to lay down afterwards. I was suprised because yesterday I ended up dry heaving on the bathroom floor and I thought that the heaves caused me to be tired after. I had to take a break after doing my make up too. The drive to work was hard. There isn't really a way to shift positions in the driver's seat of a car. When I got to work I had to lay down in the back seat of my car for a few minutes before I could go in the building. When I got in and sat down I thought, "Hey, this might not be so bad" because I realized that my chair leaned back pretty far. After a while I was getting uncomfortable. I was also feeling tired and like my body and brain were moving in slow motion. I had two positions I could sit in at my desk and then I could walk to the bathroom but that didn't really break it up much. Eventually my side started hurting (as in more than the normal ache) and then I got naucious so I had to go home. The drive home was torture. I had to lean to the right close to the end of the drive. I came home, fell into bed and slept for an hour. I was really out. I felt much better when I woke up though. It's wierd that I had so much trouble today when I am so less sore then I was a few days ago. I mean I can sit up from laying down and it doesn't hurt anymore. So why did I have so much trouble today? and What do I do tomorrow?  I can't take too many days off work. It's a great job and I'm new there so I am afraid of making a bad impression. I can also only take so many days off in a row. I am thinking I'll go in tomorrow and maybe if I need to I will go out to my car and lay in the backseat for a few minutes. That might help. Well wish me luck everyone!

Day three post op

Well I have spent the last three days on my back, and not in the good way. I am very sore but every day does get a little bit better. Yesterday I took some advice and used warm water to take my pills in the morning. It was discusting but I didn't get an upset stomach afterwards. Later I tried some boost and it actually made my stomach feel better. I only drink half a boost at a time which is four ounces because I am scared of puting too much in my stomach and getting sick. So I am basically  eating/drinking all of the time. I'll drink half a boost and then an hour later drink another half. Yesterday I managed to get down two and a half. Today I am going to attempt a yogurt and see how my stomach reacts to that. But if it's anything like the boost my tummy will be dancing for joy. I've been able to stay pretty well hydrated during the day. I keep a glass of water with me all the time and take two sips at a time. So I am constantly siping. I also have constant gas. Every time I drink/eat anything even water I end up burping. Even taking a shower yesterday gave me gas. Wierd huh? Today I actually showered, did my hair and make up and am wearing clothes instead of PJ's. 

I am even considering a trip to the store for more boost. My birthday is tomorrow and Coach really wants to take me to get my birthday present, which is a pair of those new sketchers shape-up flip flops. I might attempt that one too. We'll see. It's hard to be in one position for a long time, especially sitting or standing. I get winded just going up or down the stairs. But I am hoping that If I can practice sitting today then I will be ok for work tomorrow. I at least need to be able to sit at my desk all day. I don't need to do alot of walking so I just need to worry about wether I can sit for a long time with out laying down.

My poor kitty is having the hardest time with this because I won't let her sleep on my stomach. She has figured out that if she approaches me from the left side my hands fly up in panic and send her flying. So this morning she kept trying from the right side and I just kept telling her no. She kept trying for a while and then finally curled up next to me and I petted her there for a while. She must be so confused. I never lock her out of my room at night and I have been.

I think that it is pretty sad that my big accomplishments the last few days have been that I pooped (the nurse said that the pain meds could make me constipated), That I can lay on my sides and that I painted my nails. Wow what a weekend. My last steristrip fell off this morning so I can see all of the insisions clearly now. They aren't nearly as bad as I thought. The belly button will probably scar but the rest aren't too bad. I'll post pictures so you can see. Thanks for the support everyone!

My puncture  right under my ribs in the center

Incision under my left rib

Belly button 

It's done

Ok So my surgery is done and I'm home,  (Thank God!). Now I want to put a warning on this entry before I proceed. I am going to be completely honest here. So if you don't want to hear the bad parts of my experience DO NOT continue to read this blog. I was desperate  before surgery to hear a real and true account of someone's story but I didn't get enough of what I was looking for to really know what to expect. So I intend to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If that isn't what you want to hear, then go no further

Well I'll start at the beginning. I got up in the morning wednesday and showered and removed my contacts. My mom drove me to the hospital and after checking in  the nurse called me back to a room. I gave a urine sample and had to get changed. I've never had surgery before so I didn't know if I needed to take off my underware or not. So When a resident came in to give me a quick exam I asked. He smiled at me and said "yes take them off, we have to make sure people don't run" that helped relax me a little bit. He checked my heart and lungs and the nurse checked my blood preasure. I was just dying to get the drugs in me and knocked out. They had trouble with my IV because you can't drink 12 hours prior to surgery which made me dehydrated and my veins hard to find. They tried my hand, then my elbow, and finally got it in my bicept. which I wasn't thrilled about. I hate needles so it was a practice in will power to let them do that. People kept coming in and out introducing themselves and telling me that they would be in the surgery. Three anestesialogist people, nurses, other doctors etc. I'm kinda suprised there was room for me in the room. But I didn't care much about all of that, I just wanted to be out.

Finally after my surgeon visited they took me to the operating room. after that I was out. I remember waking up freezing and my stomach hurting and shivering. all my muscle were clenched and I remember telling them that if I could just stop shivering then my stomach wouldn't hurt. Eventually that did happen and I slept on and off in recovery. They took me to my room and moved me into my bed and my mom came in. I was soo sleepy. my stomach felt stiff and hurt a bit but mostly I was tired. I called Red and Coach to let them know I was ok. I also called The Aunt too. I slept on and off for the next few hours. I finally decided that maybe I should go to the bathroom and that's when I found out I had a cathetor in. Which was wierd to know and not feel.  around 6:30 Coach came to sit with me and Mummy-dearest went home. I kept remembering that everyone said to get up and walk ASAP, so I asked to have the cathetor removed and then attempted my first walk. I moved very slowly, like through water almost. But I wasn't in too much pain. I wanted to be sure that didn't happen so I was making sure to ask for my meds every two hours when I was allowed to have them. I would take a short nap after each walk. I walked three or four times before Coach left at 9:30. Each time it got a little easier and I felt a little better.

And then the real fun started. (Sarcasism here). After Coach left the gas started. It was miserable. It hurt so badly I couldn't lay down because the pain would go into my chest and shoulder. It  became harder and hard to walk and to lay down. I couldn't sleep all night. I just walked up and down the hallways and I spent the time I wasn't walking sitting on the edge of my bed or on the toliet because those were the only places I could sit comfortably. I couldn't even cry because if I did it hurt my chest more. I only had three insicions on my stomach. One was a small puncture in the center under my rib cage, the next was a small insisicion on my left side right under my last rib on that side. The last one was in my belly button and was the bigest. That one started oozing a little bit during the night and the nurse had to put some gauze on it. Then later the bottom started to bleed and I had to call the nurse again. She said ok she would come over and then sighed "Oh God" That freaked me out. I kept thinking  what does that mean? Is there something wrong? Is it bad? I asked her when she came in and she said she didn't realize she said that and appologized.  Basically she just didn't want to get up from what ever she was doing. I finally got some sleep from 3-6am

I was still in so much pain in the morning I didn't know what to do. I was thinking that I should tell the Aunt not to go through with it. I was miserable and so tired. I kept trying to walk but it didn't help. I was also having trouble going to the bathroom after having the cathetor so I kept having to turn on the shower to help me. The doctor came in around 7:30 and checked my insiscions. He just wiped those bandaids right off so fast and didn't put anything back on. I told him how I felt and he said that was normal. He said after I got my x-ray to check for leaks and if I could keep something down I could go home. I was kinda afraid to go home at that point though. When they came to take me for the x-ray I was in serious pain from the gas. The pain meds helped the insisions and stuf from surgery but the gas pains didn't get touched by the meds.

I went down for the X-ray and had to deal with a woman who acted like a bull in a china shop. She sped around paying no attention to what she was doing and kept tugging on my IV. She wanted me to lay flat on the x-ray machine and I told her I couldn't because of the gas pain. I told her it hurt too much. She was a complete bitch. She kept arguing with me and telling me I had to and I kept telling her that I couldn't breath when I laid flat. She kept asking me if I was pregnant. Finally, with my eyes balling, I shouted "I am not pregnant, I had surgery, I had sleeve Gastrectomy!" She said she didn't know what that was. I told her and she said "So?" and I said "So, they filled my stomach with gas to do it and I haven' passed it yet I am in a lot of pain. She said she would have to ask her supervisior. Her supervisior and the doctor who did the test were both not suprised at all and said it was no problem to do standing up. I was crying the whole time I was down there though. I finally went back to my room.

I found out another girl had the sleeve done by my doctor the same day. She was in the room across the hall from me. So we walked the halls together, both miserable and swollen with gas. She at least had expected it to be this bad. Her friend had had it a few months earlier. My mom's friend had too and she said she never used pain meds and felt great right after. I told my mom I thought she was lying. My mom came to visit in the afternoon and then left to go see her friend who also does her nails. She was horrified that I was having such a hard time. While they were talking the woman's sister came in. Overhearing thier conversation she laughed and told my mom's friend that she just doesn't remember that she sat there the first few days saying "what did I do to myself!" Finally in the afternoon when I decided to take a nap my gas started to leave. I woke up feeling better but still over tired and naucious. I had a popsicle. The nurse came in and told me that everything looked great on the x-rays and that I had no leaks. I was glad to hear that but still not feeling good enough to get too excited. She told me after I ate something more than the popsicle that I could go home. So I ordered some chicken brooth. I only ate around 8-10 spoonfuls because I wanted to be careful and I didn't feel great. I slept and walked some more. When I asked about going home she said that I hadn't eaten enough. So when I could I had some more chicken broth. The nurses there didn't really seem to know about the sleeve and how it works. They kept telling me that I hadn't eaten anything real and I kept pointing out that I was on a clear liquid diet so what did they want me to eat? When the evening nurse came on I asked about going home but they said that my blood preasure was high and that the doctor wouldn't be happy that I needed naucia meds. But they agreed to call him and ask. One of his associates came in and talked to me and looked and my insicions and dubed me free to go home! I was so excited. I was tired and I felt like I had a prego belly from swelling and gas but I wanted out of that hospital! Mummy dearest picked me up and took me home. The car ride shook me up a bit and made my gas bad again for a while. I went upstairs, turned my air conditioner on, locked the cat out of my room and droped into bed. It was difficult to get comfortable because my back and neck were sore from the hospital bed but eventually I did get comfortable and Mummy-dearest picked up some naucia meds the doctor ordered for me. I was out pretty quickly after that. I slept for about twelve hours. I got up every few hours and went to the bathroom and walked off gas but the minute I was back in my bed I was out cold again.

When I woke up this morning I felt much better.  My stomach muscles are very sore and I feel like a little old lady when I walk. All of my muscles are a little sore because of that hospital bed and from trying to compensate for my stomach muscles. I took my pills this morning and that was my breakfast. My new tummy didn't like them and so my tummy was upset for a while but the meds helped. I haven't taken any pain medication yet. At noon I had half a cup of chicken broth and then at one I had a forth of a cup. I'm drinking the rest as I write this. I also took a little nap. My stomach is sore and still feels swollen but nothing like yesterday. One thing that is annoying is that every time I sip water I feel like I drink an air bubble with it and when it hits my stomach I feel the air float back up and make me burp. It doesn't matter if I drink it slow or how small a sip, it doesn't matter if I use a straw or not. I am hoping that goes away quick. I really don't like that feeling. I am a little worried about going back to work on Monday but I guess we'll see how it goes.

Probably the best part of this was Coach. He was so sweet and attentive and fussed over me. It was really sweet and really touching. His support meant so much. My poor cat is so confused. She likes sleeping on my stomach and she was locked out of my room last night and if she tries to climb on me she gets knocked down big time. Poor baby has no idea why she is getting shunned. So there it is. The truth of my surgery

Tomorrow is the big day

Tomorrow is the day. I have to be at the hospital at 8:30am and will have my surgery at 10:30. I am so excited and getting anxious now. I have to drive past the hospital on my way to work every morning and when I went by today the anxiety really hit me. I felt shaky and sick and was wishing I had some xanax to take. I was better by the time I got to work but I was a little worried that I would feel that way all day but it did cool down. I have had a few boughts of anxiety through out the day though. I am defiantly nervous. I’ve never had a surgery before and I hate needles. I’m a little worried about freaking out when they try to put in the IV. I am also worried about waking up during the surgery. I know that almost never happens but I heard it as a topic on the radio a few weeks ago and I did wake up early when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I freaked out. I remember feeling the doctor doing things in my mouth and being conscious and thinking “OMG! I’m awake! Why am I wake??!!” and not being able to move or open my eyes. I remember laying there trying to make my voice work so I could tell them I was awake. I was really belligerent afterwards once I could talk and move. I was pissed off! So I am a little worried about the surgery. Mostly I am worried about the before prep and freaking out. I’m not so worried about after surgery. I know I should be a little concerned about feeling sick after but I figure I’ll deal with whatever comes after.

I wish my brothers were a little more supportive. I know they don’t approve and they make me feel like I can’t talk to them about it. They did both volunteer to sit with mummy-dearest during the surgery so she had company. And The Aunt told Red that she had to go and sit with my mom since The Aunt is out of town. But Mummy-Dearest says she doesn’t need anyone to sit with her, it’s a short surgery and she will just read a book. I am more nervous as the day goes on and it just seems to be dragging, especially since I don’t have a lot to do at work today. So I’m going a little nuts. I am also worried about the no eating or drinking after midnight thing. I always get thirsty during the night. And first thing in the morning I have been completely parched the last few weeks. So I am not happy that I can’t drink anything. My online support group has been really supportive and helpful through all of this. I really appreciate it. I didn’t want to tell anyone about the surgery so not many people know and I kind wish I had a little more support from friends right now. But I’m guessing once this part is over I will go back to not wanting people to know. Coach’s mom has been really supportive too. She’s really cute, I think at this point she is more excited about my surgery then I am. Both my family and his have had experience with this surgeon so if it was anyone else she might be nervous but because we all know how good it is no one is too worried, except me 

I am going to bring my Itouch with me to the hospital so I can hopefully access facebook and not feel cut off from everyone while I’m in the hospital. I know it’s only overnight but I am such an internet addict I want to feel connected. I will also plan on blogging as soon as I can. So thanks for following my journal so far. I hope you keep reading for the after story as I learn to live with my new stomach.

Pre- Op Angst

Good Afternoon everyone!

I was eating my yogurt this morning and glanced at the label. I noticed that the yogurt was 6oz. I realized that after the surgery my stomach will be about the size of that container of yogurt. Now it’s one thing to think abstractly that your stomach will be 85-90% smaller but it is another to actually see it in terms you can relate to. That is really small. That is a little depressing when you start thinking how much of a hamburger could fit in this little yogurt container? How much of a good dinner with a steak, veggies, potato could fit in here? But that is why I’m doing this right? I don’t want to be able to fit a whole burger or whole pizza into my stomach anymore. While I’ll miss enjoying food the way I do now (or did before the pre-op diet) I’m sure I will enjoy my new thin body more.

Which then leads me to more disturbing thoughts. My mom has a friend who was sleeved in November and she has only lost 52lbs so far. I know that she is eating things she shouldn’t and I know she often eats more then she should (I honestly have no idea how she managed to get a whole tray of Baklava into that tiny yogurt container, even if it was over the span of a whole day). But that makes me worry. What if I go through all of this and I fail? What if I can’t get myself to stick to healthy eating and I don’t lose the weight. Or at least enough weight. What if I just can’t get skinny again even after all of this craziness? I know it probably won’t happen but I still worry. I mean what if I stretch my stomach back out? What if I eat bad foods so even though it’s small amounts it’s still not good enough to lose the weight? I guess it didn’t help that when I weighted myself this morning I had only lost 1lb. I know that is still good but I was hoping for two. I gained seven pounds in the month and a half between meeting the doctor and starting my pre-op diet because I was letting myself enjoy all the foods I won’t be able to enjoy anymore. Plus I was just giving myself a break from worrying about what I eat all the time. Anyway, I was hoping that I would lose enough on the pre-op diet that it wouldn’t be so noticeable that I had gained a bit. I don’t want him to think I cheated. I have made it 8 days on this diet and not cheated AT ALL. Not one bite or sip of anything I am not supposed to have. I am really proud of myself for that one. It is getting easier as time goes on. Six more days until surgery. Now I am starting to get nervous and worry about all this stuff. I wish time would stop crawling so I could just do it all ready!

One Week To Go!

Well, there isn’t a whole lot to report right now. I am one week away from surgery. Seven days left in this pre-op diet. Things are actually getting a little bit easier. I still crave real food but with much less intensity then before. I guess I’m getting used to the diet. I rarely get stomach hungry which is good. Last night mummy-dearest made popcorn just as I was about to go see Coach. I told her it smelled good and she got upset. She felt really guilty for making it when I can’t have any. I just sighed and said it was fine, at this point I just don’t care that much. But she was upset. She said “I hate that he is doing this to you for two weeks!” meaning my surgeon. I just shrugged. I’d be worried if he was less strict. Plus it could be worse. Some people on my online support group have to do this much longer than two weeks. So I’m taking it in stride now. Someone at my office is selling candy for charity and has it all sitting in the kitchen and I’m not even tempted. Occasionally my little orange hungry buddy dances by with a pizza or a hamburger but I can usually shoo him away pretty quickly by reminding myself I’m half way through. I know that after the surgery I won’t be hungry but I wonder if my mind or my mouth will still crave those foods. I still won’t be able to eat normal for a while after surgery plus even when I can I would probably only be able to get down a couple of bites so it seems pointless to try. I guess I’ll find out in a week.

I’m starting to get a little nervous. It minimally invasive surgery but the idea of getting cut into is a little freaky. And as weird as it sounds I don’t like that I have to take out my contacts. I know that seems weird but I wear one month disposables so I almost never take them out. I hate waking up and not being able to see so when I don’t sleep in my contacts I sleep in my glasses. Yes, I’m strange. But I am excited too. I am losing weight slowly and my pants fit a little nicer which makes me feel good. I am also napping a lot though. I’m low on energy from lack of food. Things are looking positive though!

9 more days

I am very pleased to say that I made it through the weekend without cheating. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as hard as I thought either. I had expected that I would have that painful hunger feeling in my stomach all the time on this diet. But that isn’t the case. I get very hungry occasionally but for the most part the hunger in my stomach isn’t bad. The mental hunger is another issue. While the purpose of the diet is to shrink your liver for surgery the pre-op diet also serves another purpose. It breaks all those bad eating habits you have established. For example, Friday night was really hard on me because I was home alone. The little devil on my shoulder kept whispering “I could cheat and no one would know”. Now normally on a night like Friday night when everyone was busy and no one was at home I would order a carryout of one of my favorite meals, open a bottle of wine, and relax with a movie and enjoy some me time. So this week while my stomach wasn’t that hungry my head kept shouting at me that I needed to get back into that routine. Routine = feeling good, diet = feeling bad. My brain was driving me nuts putting tempting pictures in it so I wanted desperately to cheat. I didn’t want to though so I called Red and told her I was feeling that way. So now when that little devil said “No one’s here, I could cheat and no one would know” the little angel on my shoulder could bitch slap the devil and tell her that Red would know. I did make it through the night and was much happier for it.

Saturday was a blah day. I didn’t have much energy and was a little foggy headed. So I didn’t really do anything. I laid around and watched TV and took a nap. I did spend the evening with Coach and spent a while talking with his mom explaining the diet to her. He was so cute. He was going to have a drink and wanted to know if it was ok to have some whiskey in front of me. I laughed and said it was fine. Now food might have been a different matter. But I could handle him drinking just fine. Sunday was tough. I was basically exhiled to my office all day. Mr Crabby-Ass and Mr. Not-So-Crabby-Ass cooked dinner for Mummy-dearest and it smelled so good. I was actually ok until dinner time though. Before that I spent some time downstairs talking with them and Mr. Crabby-Ass must have been in a good mood because he was actually nice to me for a change. I went to the gym with Coach and when I came home my Aunt and Grandfather were there for dinner. It was a little embarrassing not to eat with everyone. I’m not telling anyone about the surgery though so Mummy-dearest just told them that I was on a diet and didn’t want to eat that dinner. My grandpa was actually ok with that.

So now I have nine more days before the surgery, this is day six of the diet. I’ve lost 4.4lbs so far. I’m not letting myself weight myself every day though. I think I’ll feel better if I see bigger drops then I would weighting myself every day. I weighted myself after two days on the diet and had lost 1.2lbs and then a couple days later and I had lost 4.4lbs. For the first pound was like, ok that’s good I guess. I was much happier to see the four pound loss. So trying to go every couple of days without weighting myself will probably be better. I can’t wait until my clothes start getting big on me. That will be exciting. Nine more days still seems like a long time. I feel kinda crappy today. I woke up feeling nauseous and I have been getting more light headed as the day goes on. I also feel physically exhausted. My muscles feel weak and tired. They did tell me to expect that though. Well back to work! Talk to you soon!

My hungry is a big orange Muppet monster

I thought that it was stupid until now, but weight watchers sure got it right when they started showing ads with that crazy orange Muppet monster and calling him hungry. He is driving me nuts. If he isn’t rumbling my belly or teasing my tummy then he is poking at my head or doing his little dance with mouth watering treats as his partner.

You might not be able to tell but I am actually doing better today then yesterday. This is day three of my pre-op diet. Yesterday was very hard. I had terrible hunger pains in the afternoon and was thoroughly exhausted. I felt awful. Then to make it worse my office had a party yesterday and there was a ton of yummy food and alcoholic beverages that I couldn’t have. They were all right in front of me too. I could see and hear and smell it all right from my cubical. At first I thought I could go and just drink some diet pop and talk to people but after a couple of minutes I realized that the food was just too tempting. Going back to my desk didn’t help either because everyone was right there. I was getting ready to leave early for the day when a coworker came and asked me to go with her to the party. I am happy and proud to say that I stood there with her (out of view of the food table), sipped my crystal light and talked until the end of the day! I went home and had my boost dinner and took a nap, after which I felt much better.

It really is interesting to see how much food is in my mind though. There are a lot of times where I recognize that my stomach is not hungry, but my head is telling me to be hungry and that I should eat. I’m not used to that hollow feeling in my stomach so it’s hard to remind myself that I’m not actually hungry, just empty. My head also decides that it wants certain foods. I know what a craving feels like in my mouth or my stomach. But now I am noticing them a lot in my head. It’s really interesting and hard to fight. I chew sugar free gum or drink hot tea when I feel like I need to be eating something or chewing. That helps fight the brain hungries. The hot tea also helps the real stomach hungries because the warm liquid makes me feel full. In some ways this hasn’t been too hard but then I think about 12 more days of this and it seems like an eternity. I didn’t realize how good bagels smell until this bagel Friday when I had to walk past them to the coffee machine and back to my desk. So unfair.

I really do feel like that little orange hungry monster is stalking me. He watches be while I work, shows me foods that make my mouth water, fans smells in front of my nose that make my tummy rumble, pokes me in the head, and just is constantly present reminding me that I can’t eat. I saw a commercial last night about smoking where a man was so focused and wanting a cigarette that he didn’t notice a sharks chewing on his arm. I feel like I just have that little monster around me constantly. Food really is an addiction for me. I never realized how much it is an addiction until now. I really am reacting like a person trying to beat cigarettes or alcohol or something. But I guess that is part of the point of all this. I mean these two weeks will be like wiping the slate clean. After the surgery I will be able to start slowly establishing a new relationship with food without any preconceived notions. It will be like everything is new, all the bad habits will be broken and I can move forward into a new life. It really is a fresh start.

Of Course! It had to be today!

Of course it had to be today! Today I started my pre-op diet. And of course it was cinco de Mayo and so my work set up a toco bar in the kitchen and I had to look at it all afternoon. Actually it wasn't that bad. The chips and salsa were calling me but I wasn't tempted by the rest of it because I reminded myself that last time I ate at the place that the food came from I felt sick. But it was a little frustrating. Also today one of my co-workers asked if I like tea. I said yes and she gave me some tea that I just had to try, but of course it was green tea. Awkward. I just said thanks and threw the bag in my purse so that she wouldn't notice I didn't drink it. But of course this stuff happened on the first day of the new diet.

So far I'm ok. My stomach doesn't really like the comb of the drinks and yogurt. It feels like too much milky stuff. I'm guessing I'll get used to it. I haven't been too hungry which is good. Well Ok, correction, my stomach is not hungry. My head is hungry. My brain thinks and I need to eat and every thing I see on TV makes my mouth water. I'm guessing that the big trouble will happen in a couple days when I have been off real food and feel tired and hungry. But I have committed myself to his and I just need to keep reminding myself that it will get easier. And that I will be happier in the long run.  I can't wait to loose the weight!

I will admit though that  I will miss having boobs. I have always been one of the "littlest angels". Even with all the weight I have gained I still don't really have boobs. My A cup runith over but I can't quite fill a B. My boobs and my stomach are the last place I gain and the first place I loose. I will miss the girls when they are gone but it'll be worth it. Even Coach thinks so and he loves the girls.  So I guess it's good bye boobies.

In the Home Stretch!

We are getting to the home stretch! I have my surgery in fifteen days and tomorrow I start my pre-op diet. I’ve been looking forward to this for so long because I knew that the liquid diet would get me started on loosing weight. But now that it is here I’m thinking “ugh, I have to drink those protein shakes”. Yuck! But I am committed to this. Last night I mentioned to mummy-dearest that I wanted to eat something I enjoy because my diet is starting tomorrow. She laughed at me saying that it’s not like I’ll never eat again. But she doesn’t get it. I am preparing to change my whole life. I am completely committing to this which means totally rebuilding my relationship with food. She also hasn’t read all the stories from sleevers who have gone before me and how they feel after surgery. I am dedicating myself to this.

 My sleeve is going to be a tool to change my habits for the rest of my life. I will never sit down and eat a meal the same way I do now. I plan to be very careful not to stretch my sleeve out later and to get myself eating healthy. I am hoping that the smaller stomach will help me to have few food cravings and make it easier for me to eat healthy. I don’t plan on drinking pop anymore after the surgery because the carbonation can make your stomach expand. I don’t know if I will even like the same foods after surgery. Some people have said that after surgery they are no longer able to tolerate certain foods. Their stomachs react badly. Some people have said that they don’t like foods that they used to enjoy because their tastes changed. That is what I am preparing myself for. I am expecting that once I get used to my sleeve food will no longer be a major focus in my life. She doesn’t get that I am saying goodbye to my evil ways to head into a better future. That sounds dramatic, but that is how it feels. I will never be the same after this. I am determined and have a firm mindset that I am going to do this the right way. Which means no cheating and no going back to bad habits. I was horrified to hear that her friend who had the sleeve a few months ago is heading back in the wrong direction. She is still losing but not as fast as she could be and she knows that it is her own fault. She is eating the wrong thing and too much. After what I have heard from the online support group I have no idea how she managed to eat an entire tray of baklava the other day, even a little bit at a time. And I can’t comprehend after all she has gone through why she would do that to herself. I am determined that I will not do that. For those of you who are wondering, here is my pre-op diet that I will be starting tomorrow. I have to be on this for two weeks before my surgery to shrink my liver.




Breakfast: 1 Boost and 1 yoplait light

Lunch: 1 Boost and 1 yoplait light

Dinner 1 Boost



I am allowed to have diet pop and plain coffee. I am also allowed two sugar free jellos a day and two cups of low sodium beef or chicken broth. That’s it. That’s all she wrote. I can also use crystal light but no juice. I have to stop all vitamins and stay away from green tea and aspirin. It’s gonna be a fun two weeks ;/ Especially on days I work out. I am guessing that I am going to be tired and crabby for a while. But I can do it. I just keep reminding myself that it is only two weeks. After that my stomach will be tiny and I won’t be hungry. I know it’s going to be worth it.

 I went through my closet and looked at all of my old skinny clothes. I love them. They are all so pretty. I can’t wait to fit back into them. And I figure I can take the fat clothes to the consignment shop to get money for new skinny clothes once I am thin again. So exciting! I do keep thinking about Mr Crabby-pants and what he said about all this. I don’t know why it bothers me since usually I don’t give a flying F what he thinks. But it keeps pestering me. Oh well. Nothing to be done.



FIFTEEN DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!